Whether we are black, white, chinese we are united in the same world.
“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.” ―Nicholas Sparks, Safe Haven
Every one of us have a special relationship with people around us everyday, it may be a romantic relationship with a girlfriend/boyfriend, or simply parents-children relation. In these relationship problem arises and it is impossible to avoid having problem at all, what we can do is to value the relationship we have and think if it worth the challenges. We may not able to choose which family we want to live in, who our parents and siblings are, but we definitely could choose who our girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse are. And I hope we choose it wisely and voluntarily, think about the challenges that may occur later instead of being smitten by the temporary “romance” which someday ends.
Romance and lust ends, while true love lasts. The irony is people often choose who they want to live with based on appearance, social status, and short term romance rather than think for his own future. Again, let us not blame our circumstances to our partner but to ourselves by not forgetting that we agree to be in relationship with him/her in the first place. Secondly, we choose to stay in the relationship after knowing his/her attitude and beliefs. So I may conclude that we have a choice everyday to live the way we want to, with the people we want to be with, doing the things we voluntarily do. We do have a choice and it doesn’t take a genius to see if a relationship will work or not.
In a relationship there are lots of variable involved, I think two most profound variables are “ourselves” and “the person we are with”. One thing for sure, we couldn’t control “the person we are with”, we could give advice or even push him to do something, but we can’t change his beliefs unless he choose to. On the other side, excercising our ability to choose will strenghten our mental attitude and avoid “learned helplessness”. Learned helplessness means someone is trying to change something many times but keep on failing, in turn he felt completely hopeless and think whatever he do will not change his circumstances. This is pessimists point of view in this world, they are preoccupied with negative mental state and in turn they don’t get ahead in life, staying stuck in his position.
Simply said, if you are already stuck in a bad relationship or your partner is rude to you most of the time, the get out! Most of violance in relationship were never reported, they stuck in an unhealthy situation over the years just because they are too afraid and too comfortable with violance. Too afraid to leave, too afraid to stand on their own feet, or because they depended on the other person to live. Even if you don’t have any home and other resources to live on your own, I still think its better than living decently with abusive person.
The next question we should ask, specially for young people is “how to build a healthy relationship”. I’ll post it next week, stay tuned!
How miscommunication between doctor and patient could end badly, as a medical student I could only hope to learn being more emphatic when facing patients in the future and act in their best interest.
Originally posted on TIME:
It almost sounds like the plot of a dystopian novel: a British couple was arrested in Spain and thrown in jail after they took their 5-year-old boy, who has a brain tumor, out of a British state hospital to seek alternative treatment abroad. The wrenching case has unleashed an international debate over parental rights, medical ethics and who should have the final word when it comes to the fate of an extremely ill child.
The boy, Ashya King, was diagnosed with a brain tumor in July. After a surgery to remove the tumor at Southampton General Hospital, in southern England, doctors recommended that Ashya undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy. (The hospital told TIME that with such treatment, Ashya’s survival rate was between 70% and 80%.) But Brett and Naghmeh King weren’t comfortable with the idea of chemotherapy and began asking the doctors about proton-beam therapy, which is believed to target tumors…
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“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” -Theodore Roosevelt
Two weeks ago I posted an essay about living a life worth living for every one of us. I talked about the importance of seeing the big picture in life, where we are heading and ask ourselves whether we are rowing our boat to the right direction. And recently I wrote about life’s challenge, difficulties, and how we could cope with it. To break and fall, or strive beyond the difficulties toward greatness. In this post I would like to talk deeper about the actual reality of our everyday life and compare it with the “ideal” steps we need to take to achieve our personal goals. First of all we need to define what a “goal” is to each of us, generally “goal” means a written target we want to achieve in certain period of time. Notice the word “written”, there’s quite big difference between daydreaming and goals where daydreaming is, well, a dream. When we talked about goals, we talk about a realistic target we could attain by doing certain things over period of time, with planning and timetable of several actions needed to be done.
The reason why most of us didn’t get to finish a project or achieve our goals is simply because we don’t break them apart small enough. Reread that, “we don’t break them apart small enough”, it means we have to dissect it into the smallest do-able tasks. I understand that not all of us are having fun in planning our weeks, months, or even year. But for “future oriented” person like me, I found this activity stimulating and exciting due to the limitless opportunities that lies ahead. This “planning” things start from having a small pocketable notes and a pen (not pencil or marker), there we could wrote every project, things to do, future plan, where you want to go, what you want to do in five years, literally everything you have on your mind. Imagine yourself in the past without this notebook, whenever you had a genius, million dollar ideas, you’ll think about it for a while then forget it after days or so. Now with this notebook you could write every action and project you want to do now and in the future, this list serves as a reminder and your daily compass in life. Whenever you are asked to do something, ask yourself, “is this going to help me realizing my goal?”….. Of course there’s time to chat with friends, relaxing at beach, but limit it to your “wanted” allowance.
One year ago I wrote in my notebook things like, “Make a blog about psychology”, “study stock investing”, and “sell photos online”. I read it everyday while marking the finished tasks I’ve done that day, but failed to mark this three most important things on the list. Months went by without one of it done, or even started! I know I’m not lazy and I love to extent myself in ways I love, so conclude the problem wasn’t motivation. I’m highly energized and I could imagine how satisfied I would be to have just one of them accomplished decently. Then I read more books about self development, time management, and productivity. Not long after, I realized that the problem was the way I wrote the “To do List”, I should have write the details below the main project! Here’s how I break it down:
– Make a blog about psychology
> Sign up WordPress and think of the title and format
> Write an introduction about myself and why I have the blog
> Post one short psychology concept in daily life
> Post in daily prompt about psychologycal aspect of the current prompt
– Study stock investing
> Buy and read “Intelligent Investor”
> Buy and read “Technical Analysis Explained”
> Develop a portfolio managing strategy
> Read at least 30 stock investing books this year (2013)
– Sell photos online
> Sign up at Flickr
> Post my best shots
> Contribute to Getty image
After breaking down the list I feel powerful and in control, I know there was no more excuse but laziness to not doing the tasks when everything is outlined in an do-able checklist, and as a person who think himself as productive my ego have to do defend itself and win the fight against laziness. And that’s the end of my procrastination and feeling powerless era, it’s also the starting point for me to develop myself understanding motives and psychological state in people actions. In slightly more than one year (where I stand now), I’ve develop this blog (>300 posts and >450 followers) although it may not be a big number compared to yours or others but I love to share some of my knowledge. In one year I also read more than thirty stock investing and macroeconomic books, I mixed the bookd because it got boring to read the same technical analysis method in five consecutive books. I was invited to contribute in Getty image and sold my first picture, today totalling only $143, the money is not much but I got a sense of satisfaction knowing I could earn some money from selling photos. I only submitted 12 photos year ago and haven’t got the time (or perhaps, willpower) to update it, imagine what I could do with my current 5000s photos.
By listing my project and To Do List in the most precise details I could, not only I become more effecfive and productive, I also feel an increase in life quality. I become more relaxed by writing my thoughts instead of letting it float in my brain, and there isn’t time wasted anymore. I bring a book everywhere to read while waiting, and whenever I couldn’t read I would think of actions I could do to improve my life. For the next task you need to do, ask yourself if this will contribute to your goal realization, then break it down if it’s worth a go!
“It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul”
-William Ernest Henry
It’s normal for people to feel down sometimes when we are facing difficulties in life, but being down for a prolonged period is not good for our psyche and health. Grieving for the death of people we love is a defence mechanism of our ego to fight the emotion we have, people do it for a month before getting back to their routine. But again, it’s not normal to grieve for a year or longer (even six months is quite long already). Now you know that we have a mental defence mechanism to adapt with the emotion and situation we are facing, but different people have different way to adapt. That depends on their childhood memories, the environment they are living in, culture, and maturity. When angry, my friend may be shouting bad things directly to his partner while others may become passive-aggresive. We use defence mechanism in our routine daily, it may happened when our friends confront us anger, sadness, and happiness. Defence mechanism task is to protect our ego, preventing us from looking fragile and worthless. The most simple example is for a kid who lack in mathematic (and admit it) but excel in sports (and brag about it). It works by compensating our weakness with our strenght.
Problems, we had it everyday, once we finished it, another rise. Not because the new problem isn’t there at the beginning (although some work may be given to you by your Boss at a later time), but because we keep on looking for them to get ahead in life. As a human, we strive to get better each day, or at least that’s the goal of rational minded people. Nobody want to be poorer or uglier next year, rational minded people would opt for richer and better looking. You could see a pattern emerged from my last two paragraph, that we are equipped with mental strength to cope with daily challenges, whether it is a challenge we voluntary choose or challenge we have to conquer to get ahead. Think of it like playing a video games, once you win a level, you got to the next level, which look harder when you see it from your previous level. What you forgot is that you also got better in understanding the obstacles and how to get passed in the level. The same goes with life, when we were kids, our parents gave us challenge according to our age, first to crawl, then walk, read, write, calculate, and as we grow up we choose the challenge more voluntarily. For people working in the office, avoiding challenge could mean staying in the same position without any promotion, or even getting fired! While challenging ourselves to get better, implement a genius ideas, bracing our fear of public speaking may get us ahead the promotion.
The sad part is many people (including myself in the past) has been wandering on earth long enough without realizing the power we have in creating a lfe we want to live in, simply said, we don’t have goals. Clearly defined goals takes a very important in making decision in our daily life, we could zig and zag for a while, but with clearly defined goals we would eventually get to where we want to go. A lifetime goal could be broken down into “this decade goals”, and broken down again into “this year goals”, and again stripped into “monthly objectives”. Having WRITTEN to-do-list on our monthly objectives and review it everyday is crucial in reaching the end goal, we start doing small action daily toward completing the objectives. Do it oong enough and you’ll be where you want to be. Completing lifetime goals is possible with small steps daily, a harder question would be, “why do you want to achieve your goals?” Because if the “why” is not strong enought for you, you’ll have a hard time knowing the “how”. Most of successful people I studied are driven with either passion for their job, love for someone, or more greatly, the better of humanity.
The good news is now we do realize that we have the power to shape our life, we are not helpless like a plant. Although we couldn’t choose the events happening to us, we could choose how we react to the circumstances and it starts by being an optimist person. A negative person always see the downside in events happening to them and in effect they get depressed, depression leads to decrease of work quality, happiness level, and few people actually want to hang out with depressed people becuas it’s exhausting. On the other side, an optimistic person see the good things in life, even when bad things happened to them. They know there’s always be something to learn from life events, and use it to get better and stronger coping with the problem, when the same problem arises, they know better how to handle it. When I give the title of this post, I really mean it from my heart. We are not helpless people, we do have the power inside us, what we need is to use it to shape our life the way we want it. The bigger question is not having but in doing, will you use the power or blame the circumstances for where you are now?
With so many self improvement books to choose from, there are some which are truly life changing and opening a new perspective in life. In year 2013 I read more than 130 books and here are list of them, the one marked “-” on the front kf the title are the books I personally recommend for you to read. Some of them teach me to know more about myself, some of them teach me to build a positive relationship, but all of them enhance my quality of life in every possible way. Reading, I believe is necessity of life to grow and be wiser day by day.
I know that not everybody have time to read like I do, but let me get it straight that “if you want to read, you’ll find time to read. And if you don’t, you’ll find excuses”. I am a fourth year medical student and an active stock trader, yet I always found time to read. It could while waiting for class, waiting for my lunch, on my way home, before sleep, and literally everywhere and whenever I have at least five minutes break.
–Unlimited Power -Anthony Robbins 90.000
–Awaken the Giant Within -Anthony Robbins 90.000
Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life -James Hollis 90.000
The Charisma Myth -Olivia Fox Cabane 90.000
The 8th Habit -Stephen R. Covey 80.000
What Next? -Michael Price 40.000
Strategi Menuju Sukses -Jim Dornan 30.000
What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20 -Tina Seelig 60.000
This is How: Surviving What You Think You Can’t -Augusten Burroughs 70.000
How Will You Measure Your Life? -Clayton M. Christensen 70.000
–How To Enjoy Your Life and Job Dale Carnegie 40.000
Life Was Never Meant to be a Struggle -Stuart Wilde 20.000
Outwitting The Devil -Napoleon Hill 40.000
–Think and Grow Rich -Napoleon Hill 60.000
–Three Feet from Gold -Sharon L. Lechter 40.000
Intimacy and Solitude -Stephanie Dowrick 60.000
The 3rd Alternative (ID version) -Stephen R. Covey 80.000
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man -Steve Harvey 60.000
–The 48 Laws of Power -Robert Greene 60.000
Basic investing and financial:
–Rich Dad’s Guide to Investing -Robert T. Kiyosaki 50.000
–Retire Young Retire Rich -Robert T. Kiyosaki 50.000
How To Be Richer, Smarter, and Better Looking Than Your Parents -Zac Bissonnette 120.000
Rich Dad Poor Dad for Teens (ID version) -Robert T. Kiyosaki 20.000
Rich Kid Smart Kid (ID version) -Robert T. Kiyosaki 40.000
Cashflow Quadrant -Robert T. Kiyosaki 50.000
–The Compound Effect -Darren Hardy 80.000
The Richest Man in Babylon -George S. Clason 20.000
The Science of Getting Rich -Wallace D. Wattles 30.000
Millionaire Teacher -Andrew Hallam 80.000
–Secrets of the Millionaire Mind -T. Harv Eker 40.000
Basic business guidance and start up:
Midas Touch -Robert T. Kiyosaki 50.000
What Color Is Your Parachute? -Richard N. Bolles 100.000
Good To Great and the Social sectors -Jim collins 30.000
How to Get Rich -Felix Dennis 60.000
–Start Something That Matters -Blake Mycoskie 70.000
Built To Sell -John Warrillow 80.000
–Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking -Susan Cain 80.000
The Power of Habit -Charless Duhigg 60.000
–Brain Rules -John Medina 80.000
Learned Optimism -Martin E. P. Seligman 80.000
Find Out Who’s Normal and Who’s Not -David J. Lieberman 70.000
Choke -Sian Beilock 80.000
Thinking, Fast and Slow -Daniel Kahneman 60.000
Antifragile -Nassim Nicholas Taleb 60.000
–Social Intelligence -Daniel Goleman 80.000
–Get Anyone To Do Anything -David J. Lieberman 80.000
–You Can Read Anyone -David J. Lieberman 80.000
–How To Change Anybody -David J. Lieberman 80.000
–Never Be Lies To Again -David J. Lieberman 80.000
The Honest Truth About Dishonesty -Dan Ariely 40.000
Predictably Irrational -Dan Ariely 40.000
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking -Malcolm Gladwell 40.000
What The Dog Saw -Malcolm Gladwell 40.000
The Tipping Point -Malcolm Gladwell 40.000
The Psychology of Winning -Denis Waitley 40.000
Statistic and Facts:
The Price of Everything -Eduardo Porter 60.000
Why Nations Fail -Daron Acemoglu 80.000
Religion, Spiritual, Meditation:
Your Best Life Now -Joel Osteen 70.000
A New Earth -Eckhart Tolle 60.000
More Instant Self Hypnosis -Forbes Robbins Blair 100.000
The Magic -Rhonda Byrne 60.000
God’s Abundant Life (ID version) -Henry Scougal 20.000
E2 -Pam Grout 80.000
–The Power of Now -Eckhart Tolle 60.000
–Search Inside Yourself -Chade Meng Tan 40.000
Akhir Zaman Sudah Berlalu -Agustinus Sawkar Pramod Anand 20.000
The Master Key System -Charles F. Haanel 30.000
As a Man Thinketh -James Allen 30.000
Wherever You Go There You Are -Jon Kabat-Zinn 80.000
–The Four Agreements -Don Miguel Ruiz 60.000
–Man’s Searching For Meaning -Viktor E. Frankl 50.000
–The Secret -Rhonda Byrne 100.000
The Power Rhonda Byrne 100.000
The Secret to Teen Power 80.000
100 Cara Mudah Agar Diskusi Meriah (ID version) -John Buckeridge 30.000
–Getting Things Done -David Allen 90.000
–The One Minute Manager -Ken Blanchard 40.000
–The Skinny on Time Management -Jim Randel 80.000
Novel and Biography:
Around The World in Eighty Days -Jules Verne 15.000
Dua Tangus dan Ribuan Tawa -Dahlan Iskan 20.000
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Teens Talk High School 80.000
Chicken Soup for the Soul: A Book of Miracles 80.000
The Psychopath Test -Jon Ronson 70.000
Into The Wild -Jon Krakauer 50.000
Many Lives, Many Masters -Brian Weiss 70.000
The Game -Neil Strauss 60.000
–The Diary of a Young Girl -Anne Frank 40.000
The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari -Robin S. Sharma 20.000
–What Should I Do With My Life? -Po Bronson 40.000
The Five People You Meet in Heaven -Mitch Albom 60.000
Tuesday with Morrie -Mitch Albom 60.000
For One More Day -Mitch Albom 60.000
Setengah Isi Setengah Kosong -Parlindungan Marpaung 30.000
Si Cacing dan Kotoran Kesayangannya -Ajahn Brahm 30.000
Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories Volume 1 40.000
The Mobile Wave -Michael Saylor 120.000
–Born to Blog -Mark W. Shaefer 60.000
Triple Your Reading Speed -Wade E. Cutler 40.000